It’s been a very happy last couple of weeks here. The flying buttress recently accepted the dreamiest of dream jobs. And even better, it’s in a place where I think we both will be very happy. It’s not a big city, though there is a major one just a 2 hour train ride away. But it’s a small city – about 200,000 people (the promotional material for the town loves the word “micro-urban.” so cute) – and a small city has always been my preference anyway. This place is magical. It has multiple good restaurants, a thriving farmer’s market, a good (though any is exciting) bus system, queer people, queer owned businesses, more queer people, parks, multiple yoga studios (and none have alters to jesus), a great food co-op, an arty movie theater and many many other amazing things that I used to take for granted and now seem kind of like miracles. F.B. and I are both over the moon. It’s fairly amusing because most of F.B.’s new colleagues are from big cities and think the place they are living is “quaint” but unexciting. But after two years where we’ve been, it seems like a huge exciting place to us. We went over spring break and walked around pinching ourselves the whole time at our luck. And we legitimately really liked being there. So yeah, things are much happier now.
The best part for me is that I feel like I can finally move on from teaching comp. I am so fucking over it. I’m still doing my work and being a good teacher and all of that. But inside I’ve just been feeling like I am going to crawl out of my skin. If I have to explain how to use a semi-colon to a room full of students who could care less one more time. . . . But this new town feels like a place that I can start something new. So my plan at the moment is to take next year off from working, or just work part time, and do lots of volunteering and research and applying to grad programs – probably MSWs but also Masters in counseling psych. If that doesn’t work out, I will start looking around for a job. But I’m pretty excited to have some time to breathe and think and figure things out.
And it’s the first time in forever that I feel excited and sure about what I want to do next. In the fall, I started seeing a therapist because I was just so fucking depressed and anxious. She was also a career counselor and I kept trying to get her to help me figure out my career stuff. Because for some reason at that time I started doubting that I did want to be a therapist so suddenly I felt like I was flailing and was trying to figure out my options, despite our totally uncertain future location-wise. She kept trying to gently suggest that I should work on the depression and anxiety, and that I wouldn’t be able to make a career choice until that was resolved. That seemed ridiculous to me – clearly my career uncertainty was causing my depression.
But as soon as F.B. got this news (well, like a week later after we were done drinking/celebrating) I saw how right she was. I couldn’t imagine a job in which I was happy because I had been so unhappy for so long that I simply couldn’t imagine happiness as an option. Once I felt excited about our new location, therapy started sounding appealing again. And better yet, I figured out that I want to focus on sex therapy (and possibly do some sex ed in there), which is even better for so many reasons. For the first time in so long, that feeling that I’ve been looking for, the feeling that something is just right, that it clicks, happened. And it has stayed around for quite a while now, even as I’ve done research and really thought about what it will be like to go back to grad school and go through the licensing process, etc. I really think I’m on the right track. And I also feel weirdly (for me) relaxed about it not working out. If it doesn’t, I’ll figure that out then. This is really unlike me, or at least the me of the last three years. You have no idea.